It’s Time We Stopped Being ‘Good Girls’ 

It was a ray of hope and a source of strength to experience women working together to change the mindset that is drilled into us from birth—that “good women stay silent; bad women make noise.” Teachers, parents, partners, and even other women teach us to be “good girls”: polite, obedient, and silent. 

For many, this conditioning stays with us our entire lives. Even as we grow up to become women with aspirations of changing the world, doubts and fears persist as we continue to challenge these norms. 

There are of course many who contradict this narrative: Teachers who see the potential before gender; parents who encourage their children to grow and thrive; and some women who boldly speak out against the chains of conformity, even at the risk of putting their own lives on the line like we’ve seen the brave women of Afghanistan do. 

But for every widely lauded story of one woman breaking into a traditionally male space, there are 10 women potentially held back by this persistent and toxic ideal that women should be silent. 

If we’re serious about achieving gender equality, we need to come together as a collective, amplify each other’s voices, and unlearn the silencing. 

What we teach

In her Ted Talk on “7 beliefs that can silence women—and how to unlearn them,” author and social scientist Deepa Narayan explores how girls grow up to become “well behaved” women: “This is how girls are silenced and their dreams are crushed. They are taught to be powerless, become invisible and leave more space for boys and men to own the world.” 

It’s critical to understand that silence is not only something imposed on us from society; it’s also something we learn to police in ourselves and in other women around us. 

We support the patriarchy because it is familiar to us, and in turn, we become active practitioners ourselves. We pass it on to our daughters. We justify it as mothers, under the pretense of protection, that girls must do all that is expected of them to be successful. We suppress and alienate women who don’t conform because we classify them based on what we have been taught is ‘good’ and ‘right.’ We become collective oppressors of each other, even though we suffer the resulting shame alone, and in silence.

How do we then unlearn this behaviour? I hereby propose five habits of great women as a daily instruction for collective power.

1. Daydream to nurture your curiosity

All change begins as a dream or a creative vision for a better future. But as we grow older, women are taught not to be curious. And uncurious minds can’t dream big. 

With the challenges we face today — particularly as we seek to build back after the COVID-19 pandemic — can we really afford to lose out on the creative potential of half the world’s population? Absolutely no.

Thus every woman, every girl has had some dream snatched away from her, directly or indirectly, by her parents, her circumstances, and her environment. We must therefore encourage girls to dream big and support them to dare to reach for the sky.

2. Find our collective voice

The silence of women only serves to maintain the status quo. So what happens when we find our collective voice? It leads to a mass escape from the ghosts of the past and liberation from the negative stories we tell ourselves. We cannot escape one woman at a time, we must collectively break free from these prisons we now guard. 

As an Amujae Leader, part of the Ellen Johnson Sirleaf Presidential Center for Women and Development’s Amujae Initiative, I am privileged to be part of a network of African women leaders who are determined to support each other and pave the way for other women to raise their voices and take their rightful places in leadership. 

3. Celebrate the small wins—and do it with loud applause

We all want to achieve big things, but sometimes moving the needle just a little bit is the best way to get there. When one person breaks their silence, we should celebrate it; when one girl wins, we should celebrate her; when one man builds allyship with a gender-equal mission, it is progress that must also be noted.

We need to celebrate our wins and do it with applause. If you don’t think this makes a difference, I dare you to try it. A small word of encouragement, a nod to say “well done,” or any recognition of somebody’s effort makes a world of difference—and could just be the push someone else needs to take their next steps. 

4. Just do it

They say perfection is the enemy of the good. This can hold women back: we don’t apply for jobs unless we feel certain we are almost overqualified. Or we hold back on aspirations for fear of failure. We need to learn that making mistakes is part of the road to success. Only those who don’t dare to push the limits have perfect track records. 

5. Expect more from men and boys

Let’s face it: while women bear the brunt of this system, men benefit from it. And those who benefit control it. We need to build allyship with men—to create male agents of transformative change who will recognize women’s participation as an untapped national asset against injustice and will commit to changing it. This is a mission to change the world, not a social club. If we are serious about gender equality, we should build as large a coalition as possible, not gatekeeping based on gender. 

As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Likewise, we won’t suddenly wake up tomorrow in a world that doesn’t hold women back. But if you only take one thing away from this piece, I hope it’s this: that we all have a voice, however small you think it might be. I hope you use yours in service of change.

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed here by Impakter.com columnists are their own, not those of Impakter.com. — In the Featured Photo: Hon. Kabia (center, in white) and women who graduated from a financial management training and saving program at the AFRiLOSOPHY training center in Lunsar, Sierra Leone. Photo: Courtesy of Isata Kabia